​WORK & FAMILY : 

How to Work Together on a Family Project
Getting children and parents to team up seems impossible but worthwhile; Here are some strategies to foster teamwork

Can families translate sibling competitiveness into teamwork skills?
        

By Sue Shellenbarger

July 12, 2016 2:13 p.m. ET, Wall street Jurnal

Time to clean out the garage. Anyone game for a family project?
For plenty of parents, the response will be: Have you met my children? The idea of getting the whole family to team up on a shared project and pull it off without squabbling can seem like an almost mythical ideal.
It is possible to instill teamwork in a family, and psychologists say it is important to try. Patterns of collaboration set in childhood go a long way toward shaping children’s future behavior in the workforce.

Michael Sheehan used to challenge his three young daughters years ago to compete to “see who can get ready and in bed first,” says Mr. Sheehan of Walnut Creek, Calif. The tactic worked at first but soon led to tears and accusations of unfairness, says Mr. Sheehan, who blogs at HighTechDad.com.
He dropped the ploy after noticing that his wife Sylvia got better results by encouraging the girls to collaborate, Mr. Sheehan says. When Natasha, now 17, Alexandra, 14, and Sally, 12, were younger, Ms. Sheehan pressed them to help each other get ready for school on time, telling the older girls, “if Sally’s late, then everyone is late.” After Natasha and Alexandra taught Sally to lay out her clothes the night before and allow time in the morning to brush her hair, all three made it to school on time.
Ms. Sheehan rewarded them by allowing them to adopt a Chihuahua named Rufus. The girls are responsible for Rufus’s care. They’re also expected to team up weekly to help their parents clean the house, divvying up tasks among themselves. Ms. Sheehan hopes they’re laying the groundwork for close lifelong bonds.
“Cleaning is a lot harder” if one of them is away, Alexandra says. Sally says collaborating “definitely gets the job done faster, and it makes things more fun when you have somebody to talk to.” The sisters are pooling their savings in hopes of buying a car to share.
When Alexandra and Sally recently redecorated the bedroom they share, a wall collage of photos they created made the room seem cluttered to Alexandra. The sisters disagreed, then came up with a compromise—hanging Polaroids on a string from the ceiling instead, Alexandra says.
From left, Alexandra, Natasha and Sally Sheehan. Ms. Sheehan schedules the three sisters’ breakfasts and after-school snacks together so they have “plenty of time to bond together,” she says. Natasha, a ballerina, is studying near home with the San Francisco Ballet rather than at a boarding school abroad, in hopes that the sisters remain close.

From left, Alexandra, Natasha and Sally Sheehan. Ms. Sheehan schedules the three sisters’ breakfasts and after-school snacks together so they have “plenty of time to bond together,” she says. Natasha, a ballerina, is studying near home with the San Francisco Ballet rather than at a boarding school abroad, in hopes that the sisters remain close.
A common pitfall for parents is “falling into the trap of thinking that everyone in the family must assign the same importance to a project as they do,” says Dave Anderson, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, a nonprofit mental-health organization in New York City. “If kids don’t see the point, they’re going to start arguing,” Dr. Anderson says.
He suggests figuring out incentives that will motivate each child. One child might see gaining more space for sports gear as reason enough to help clean the garage. Another might like making room to park the car, clearing the driveway so she can shoot hoops.
When Cara Stevens ’ 14-year-old daughter Alexa suggested holding a family tag sale next week, Ms. Stevens says, her response was, “Let’s do it.” Alexa’s brother Brandon, 9, had no interest in helping until Ms. Stevens offered both children a share of the proceeds. Brandon quickly began sorting through games and DVDs and offered dozens of items for sale, says Ms. Stevens, a Greenwich, Conn., marketing consultant.
Many parents regard school or youth sports as the primary places for learning teamwork, and fail to notice opportunities to teach it at home. Positive reinforcement works best. It’s better to “catch kids being good and reinforce it” by taking note and praising them for helpfulness or maturity, says Dr. Anderson.
Eddie Garcia, a youth-sports coach from Henderson, Nev., says he uses the same techniques he uses with young athletes to teach teamwork to his two children, Haley, 13, and Ryan, 9. He takes pains to catch them doing something well, even if it’s as simple as Haley’s getting a bottle of water from the refrigerator for Ryan. “There is constant praise around our house for the behavior we want to see,” reinforcing an overall message of “together, we’re better,” he says.
He also models the behavior he wants, working side-by-side with his children on even the most mundane projects, such as cleaning up the backyard after their two dogs.
Of course, many children’s schedules are so jammed with activities and homework that parents wonder, “How on earth can we ever get everybody together on board at the same time to do anything?” says Richard Rende, a Paradise Valley, Ariz., developmental psychologist and co-author of “Raising Can-Do Kids.”
Fostering teamwork doesn’t require setting aside blocks of time, Dr. Rende says. Children can learn to collaborate by negotiating everyday disputes. Ms. Stevens and her husband Larry step back and let Alexa and Brandon work out a compromise on such questions as choosing a restaurant on a family vacation.
Don’t assign roles, and resist jumping in to broker an agreement when conflicts arise, Dr. Rende says. Give children a chance to find a compromise. If the talk turns aggressive, suggest problem-solving tactics from the sidelines. If two siblings are watering the garden and start battling over whether the younger sibling knows how to use the hose correctly, try coaching the older one: “Do you think you can show your brother how to use it?”
The way parents talk with children and each other sets an example. Children can learn collaboration by watching parents share decision-making or cooperate on tasks. Parents also can set a cooperative climate by working side-by-side with children on everyday tasks, such as clearing and rinsing dinner dishes and loading them into the dishwasher.
The Sheehan sisters in the kitchen at home. They team up to help with weekly housecleaning and other chores.

The Sheehan sisters in the kitchen at home. They team up to help with weekly housecleaning and other chores.
If the family begins a project and starts squabbling right away, try creating a shared mission, such as, “if we all work together well enough, we can finish in time to go out to dinner.” 
Then applaud any moves toward collaboration: “Yes! What a team!”
 Another workaround is to put siblings on a team against the grown-ups and see who can finish first. Above all, be patient: No family succeeds in every attempt at teamwork. Also, children’s collaboration skills typically improve as they get older.
Parents can assess their own family climate by running an informal experiment at home such as suggesting everyone plan a meal together. Notice how often family members argue for what they want compared with trying to find foods that please everyone, Dr. Rende says. If you find yourself dictating the menu, or if everyone is out for him or herself, try slowing down, listening more and modeling collaboration yourself.
Write to Sue Shellenbarger at sue.shellenbarger@wsj.com